In limbo

I long for the next chapter of my life to begin, because waiting, unsure of what it holds, unsure of where I will go from here is like being in some freaky blank limbo.

But the first step into that future relies on me saying goodbye to my bests friends. I know that's coming very soon, and I'm not looking forward to it, not remotely. So I choose limbo until the choice is taken from me.

Tomorrow my baby brother gets hitched to Marie. A lovely woman with a lovely family. Her sister, Tess, has adopted me so I wont be sister-less when my own sister emigrates in a few days.
So, I gain two new sisters, but loose my best friend. I also gain two new nieces (Marie's girls) but loose my three babies.

Loose is the wrong word (actually it could literally be! - Is that the right way to write lose in the future tense??). I will still have them in my life, but they wont be here. No more sleep-overs with my nieces, no more Friday night family dinners. No more trips to Freshfileds.
But lots of skyping, lots of email, lots of snail-mail too.

Besides those things, I don't know what comes next for me. Except that alone probably features quite strongly. Alone I can handle. Lonely, on the other hand... maybe not quite so much.
So, I'm going to get as Zen as I can about the whole thing. Aloneness = presence of oneself; loneliness = absence of another. That's Zen, and that's going to be my focus.
I think I've written on these pages about that little girl sleeplessly watching the night sky... She knew about aloneness. Funny, I never realised how much that little girl helps me, the adult, until now. That kid rocks!!

I don't have much else to say.

I wait. I breathe.

Outed!

So, the second person ever that I showed this blog to went a posted a link to it on Macswin's Facebook Reference.
Can't say I was expecting that! And I can't say that I mind either (if I did I'd delete the link), but it does feel odd knowing that you, whoever you are, are reading snippets of my life.
Those snippets that make me most vulnerable too! But read away; I can take it! LoL

I wonder how these words might impact you? I guess that's your business, just as writing this is mine. I know that reading my words will not harm you. The rest is yours.

But as far being outed as a blogger goes, I will now do my best to keep these pages up-dated. - Not before time too! Thanks Dave... I think!!

I'll write more soon... about my newest discoveries and the twists and turns my life is currently taking.

From now till then, peace be the journey. ;o)

The future is in our hands.

We will adapt you know.
These are transitional times, so the nature of our adaptation is crucial, but I believe that, as the powers that be reveal themselves and their true agenda, as the fruits of the systems of governance and control they established are tasted by all, so we will turn away from those modes of living and establish new, equitable ones.

The end of cheap energy and the depletion of natural resources, including fresh water and soil, will lead to a reduction in our numbers.
Smaller numbers will mean tighter communities and better communication/discussion rather than the mass communication we are subjected to now, we will actually be invoved in the sharing of information, the creation of reality. We will no longer blindly accept what we are told rather we will question and discuss the issues as hey present themselves.

The learning of past centuries will not be forgotten as long as we keep on communicating, keep blogging, keep meeting and talking and stay connected NOW.
It's up to us to report the truth of these times to future generations!
The old systems (current) will be over if we take our part now. If we observe and share what we observe in these times.

We may SEEM powerless, but we hold the future in our hands today. Lets ensure that generations to come do not live in servitude to the rich enslaved by debt and monetary economic systems which serve only the rich.

UFO!

By special request, here is the tale (or should that be tail?) of my one and only UFO sighting.

I ought to precede that tale by letting you know that since my last blog entry here my dreams have been fine and I'm feeling much better, stronger, less vulnerable... But more on that another time!

Now, to UFO's!
It was November 5th last year, that's bonfire night here in the UK, for any that don't know. - The night we celebrate the burning to death of one Guy Fawkes and bun him in effigy year after year. - The reasons that we celebrate this barbarism have been lost in history! I hope he found a way to rest in peace though!!*v*
All of that said, bonfire night is one of my favourite times of the year! - Bonfires and fireworks are so much fun!

So, myself an my family went to the fireworks display at the local park - I'm lucky enough to live on the doorstep of a park that now hosts one of Liverpool's big, official, displays. My sister, brother and their families all came down and off we went to the park about half an hour before the display was de to begin.
We noticed how unusually orange the sky was looking, even for bonfire night. I've never seen such an orange sky! My brother-in-law and myself were transfixed...well, we all were really, except for my brother, who makes it a rule to remain unimpressed in life. ;o)

So, there we were, looking up at the sky and away from the direction the firework display would be coming from, when we noticed a round, pale red light in the sky, moving toward us from the left. It stopped dead and sat perfectly still in the sky probably a minute and a half or two minutes. Then, it moved away from us so fast that in a second it vanished from sight entirely.

And that's it. The one and only time I've seen a UFO. - I look forward to future encounters, but I hope they're more dramatic! lol

The Journey So Far

It took me almost forty years on this planet to gain any sense of security in my relationships with others. After forty years the bad dreams finally stopped.

When I was very young and given the nick name 'the fozzie' to go along with 'ugly' ad 'stupid' I was told by my granddad that I was the fozzie because my 'real' parents didn't want me so they left me out with the rubbish by the bins where my 'new' mum and dad found me. They took me in because they felt sorry for me.

Sometime later a week, a month, the same day? I can't remember – my uncle Alan began to sexually abuse me. Like all abusers, he gave me the responsibility for keeping his secret, and so made me responsible for my own abuse. He told me that if I was to tell anyone about this new game we were playing that no-one would love me any more; my mum and dad, nan and granddad, aunties, sister and brother would all stop loving me and that my mum and dad would send for the 'men in white coats' to come and take me away.

I came down (was sent down) the stairs from that episode as traumatized as you might imagine and was greeted my my dad and the words “Alright fozz”.

From that moment I knew that I was truly 'the fozzie' and I lived my life accordingly, first trying to gain the approval of my family, and later, after my dad left, turning my back on them as much as I dared. I earned the hatred of my brother and sister in those later years.

The sexual abuse continued until after my dad left, as did the name calling. But even after it was over on the outside, I knew just what I was. And I put myself into plenty of situations to prove it time and time and time again.

By the time I was in my late 30's I'd got to a point where I had stopped all forms of self abuse, including drinking and smoking. My journey on this planet was/is a spiritual one, and through years of prayer and mediation, writing it down and figuring it out, I came to a point where all the pain and uncertainty, and all the traumas of my past could be let go. The process of actually letting go of all of that baggage too a couple of years in itself, but soon enough I came to a point where I could actually understand and forgive those people who had caused me so much harm.

Believe me when I tell you that the joy that a soul feels at such times outweighs the pain that leads it there one-hundredfold! (I speak from memory, sadly, not from current experience.)

And during those two short years, I now realize, all those bad dreams which had plagued me all my life stopped. I didn't have one dream about my mother hating me, not one dream about my brother blaming me or my sister pointing out my many faults. I never once woke up feeling scared of life. Not once!

Those dreams are back now though. Now, at the age of forty-one, I wake up scared and insecure... just like I aways did.

My dad, after he read a short blog about my forgiving him, though the blog didn't say what I forgave him for (some things I held to be private) decided to cut me out of is life without a word. When I eventually fond out why he'd stopped talking to me I tried to reach out and fix things between us. I think though that he expected me to alter my truth somehow, to remove the implication that he was less than perfect from my narrative.

When that didn't happen he , for the second time, cut me out of his life - without a word, but in no uncertain terms; Not one week after telling me that anger could never get in the way of love, he sent back a letter I'd spent weeks on. Just like that. Not a word of why.

And so what I had hoped would be an honest and open exchange, and an opportunity for learning and growth for both of us, came to an end, along with or relationship.

And now here I am again, waking up from bad drams in which my mother hates me, my brother blames and my sister faults me, starting each day with a personal battle for confidence and security. You see, if my dad can turn his back on me, twice, without a word then anyone can.

Worse than that though, they can (and in my subconscious, do) blame me for my fathers actions.

It was something that I did as a child that cause my 'real' parents to abandon me, and made me such a burden to my 'new' family. It was me who did those terrible things that would cause my family not to love me if they only knew. It was me who made life for my whole family so difficult that my siblings had to protect my mother from me.

And so it must be me who has caused such injury to my dad that he can't bring himself to speak to me.

Of course I know that that is wrong! I know that my fathers actions are a reflection of his own inability to face certain truths, and I understand that.

It's up to him to deal with that if he can. I take no further part in any of it. His journey, his problem.

I have my own to attend to.

I'm not sure how I will get back to that place of healing again, but I found it once, I will find it again. - It's telling that throughout much of my adult life, whenever I've found things especially difficult or especially beautiful, I've found myself writing... like now.

I'm not happy right now. I wonder if this is the whole journey – from insecurity, to insecurity. I wonder if the solution lies in being alone. I wonder if the dreams will ever stop for good. I hate waking up scared and inscure every day.

I'm frightened. - It's been a hard journey this far. Will it always bet his hard? Will I have to do all of it alone?

My First Chakra! – Like My left Foot, only different! ;o)

I have spent a lot of time over the years healing from and dealing with the information my family tribe gave me about myself while I was growing up. I have spent so much time acknowledging and grieving the various abuses given (should I say gifted!) me, and facing up to my reactions to those abuses. It's been a long hard road, but, my(!) what a joy it's been to grow into the me that you know!

Not only have I reached a point in my life where I can forgive those who abused me, those who invested my belief in myself as worthless, but I can honestly say that I am grateful to them now.

I love this life I'm living; I love this path I've found – a path of healing and self discovery. Mine is a life less ordinary (have I stolen that phrase from somewhere? It sounds very familiar!), and it is a joy to live it.

I wonder, had those less than loving members of my tribe left me be, would I be on this path now, would I be in a position to realise such magnificent Truths about Myself and Yourself? Would I be living this life less ordinary? I doubt it very much. And so I have lot to thank those people for, and very good reason to love and honour them!

So to my dad, my granddad, my uncle and to those teenage boys who burned my most beloved doll with a cigarette, each of you broke my heart. Thank you. You gave me the opportunity to explore this lifetime from a less ordinary perspective, you gifted me the joy of healing! Thank you!


It occurred to me last night, for the first time, that for this past forty years I have believed myself to be illegitimate at a very fundamental level (I was told at a very young age I didn't belong to my family, and various treatments of me reinforced that message), and I have lived accordingly; never quite achieving anything which would suggest my legitimacy, which would allow me my rightful place in the tribe. I've met my first chakra survival needs, but only just… I've never risen out f poverty (relative as that may be), I've never claimed anything but the most lowly status.

Well, that's about to change...

I cut the bonds of illegitimacy and I claim my rightful place in my tribe, in my society and in my self! I am legitimate: I am whole: I am strong!



While for many years I've understood that I am worth more than others my have taught me about myself, I've never quite managed to live a life which demonstrates my worth – not in monetary terms, you understand, but in terms of my relationships, and my status within my tribe and the comforts, and recognition I have allowed myself.

I understand now (thanks to the work of Caroline Myss, thanks to wonderful accidental (there are no accidents! lol) teachers like T and Halibut, Sand and Rosie) that this very deep-rooted belief I've had about myself all my life needs to be dug up and tossed onto compost heap. That means freedom to BE, to claim my place, my worth. Freedom from the restrictions I have constantly imposed on myself!

I am Legitimate: I am Whole: I am Strong! How cool is that!!! :o)



This comes with a very warm, loving and grateful 'thank you' to ALL my accidental (there are no accidents! lol) teachers. I love you. Thank you.

Moving Closer to Now

An interesting time I'm having of late. I feel somehow that I'm between states, between chapters... Some new mission, some new adventure, some new purpose is about to become my now.

I've learned so much and changed so much over the past 18 months.
Spiritually I have moved closer to consciousness, closer to, I believe, Truth. This has had a big impact on my reasoning, my motivations, my reality.
I still have a very long way to go before living in the 'present moment' becomes my default mode but I'm getting much closer to that mode than I'd imagined was even possible a few months ago.
Anyway, the point of this is to explain that because so much has already changed in my life, in myself, a lot more surely must change as a result.
My reasoning has changed, my reality has shifted, therefore my life must shift accordingly.
I'm asking that Grace be my guide, that my forward motion, my momentum, be directed by Love.

Though I don't know what the future holds, I'm sure it will be perfect for me.

I will return one day to write of tinnitus and of conversations with God.

Peace.