Eighteen months ago Paul and I finally broke up once and for all. Though we'd never really been in a stable relationship he'd always been around, close enough to grab hold of when I needed.
Then 6 months ago the closest people to me on the planet emigrated to the other side of the planet to start a new life in Australia... a paradise they've fallen in love with since.
So here I am, a little billy no-mates, spending almost all of my time alone.
Usually I don't min., I like myself, I enjoy my own company and I love what I do with my time and energy... creating positive, loving vibes at least half of the time I'm awake; bringing hopefully positive aspects to difficult situations; helping and supporting people I care about whenever I can; studying the world around me, learning how it all fits together into the oneful whole, and understanding 'my' part within that.
I know that I am loved and respected by those who know me and I love and respect myself also.
Yeah, mostly I am fulfilled and very happy to be BEing who I am!
Oh, but I do get tired of being on my own. I've known since I was a little girl that 'alone' was the normal state of my life, and I've had much practice at it in the years since. But sometimes there is much too much of it and it feels far too permanent.
I know that struggling with it is just a state of mind, that there is a huge difference between aloneness and loneliness (presence of oneself, missing of some 'other') but sometimes.... sometimes!
God I really do miss that 'other' to share time with, to do things with... to go out and play with, to stay in and play with, to touch and hold... to enjoy and share my world with.
Nothing stays the same forever? I hope not!
Saturday, 27 February 2010
Thursday, 15 October 2009
What on earth am I doing at moderating TPUC?!!
I find I'm constantly in the position of having to defend my actions or lack of action, constantly being told what I should or should not be doing... Half the time I am surrounded by paranoid, ranting fools who accuse me of being some kind of agent (I can only presume, or the STATE).
It is thankless and time consuming, and time is a precious commodity right now.
But then, there are some truly intelligent, enlightened, insightful souls there, who lend a different tone to the place. They make my presence there worthwhile, useful, engaging, purposeful! It is a pleasure and an honour to know these people!
There are also those who come genuinely seeking answers, seeking a way forward, a way to create a better world. I think I love these people the best, because of their honesty, their genuine concerns and desire for something better. - I'm not talking about those who already think they have the answer(s), but those who PM me, trouble by questions they'd be embarrassed to publicise, those who are seeking a way forward, but are concerned about the way esposused by the 'believers'in the freeman doctrine. I want those people to have access to the different perspectives and opinions that abound.
I don't want them to only be fed the freeman doctrine, only to find themselves in a sea of troubles, not getting their questions answered, not getting their concerns addressed in any real way... Giving up their legal person, only to find what a useful tool it can be, once we know of it's existence...
If I were to resign as mod, which is something I think about doing all the time, something I would be releived to do(!) I am sure that the freeman doctrine would be favoured on the board, though it be the least liberating of them all.
So, I will stay as a mod for as long as I can stand it, and I will keep on defending a justifying my actions to those who would call me agent and troll, if that is what it takes.
But more importantly, I will keep on allowing contrary voices to be heard!!
Let the debate continue... let us find an intelligent, viable path to a free and equitable future for all.
Peace.
Love.
Unity.
I find I'm constantly in the position of having to defend my actions or lack of action, constantly being told what I should or should not be doing... Half the time I am surrounded by paranoid, ranting fools who accuse me of being some kind of agent (I can only presume, or the STATE).
It is thankless and time consuming, and time is a precious commodity right now.
But then, there are some truly intelligent, enlightened, insightful souls there, who lend a different tone to the place. They make my presence there worthwhile, useful, engaging, purposeful! It is a pleasure and an honour to know these people!
There are also those who come genuinely seeking answers, seeking a way forward, a way to create a better world. I think I love these people the best, because of their honesty, their genuine concerns and desire for something better. - I'm not talking about those who already think they have the answer(s), but those who PM me, trouble by questions they'd be embarrassed to publicise, those who are seeking a way forward, but are concerned about the way esposused by the 'believers'in the freeman doctrine. I want those people to have access to the different perspectives and opinions that abound.
I don't want them to only be fed the freeman doctrine, only to find themselves in a sea of troubles, not getting their questions answered, not getting their concerns addressed in any real way... Giving up their legal person, only to find what a useful tool it can be, once we know of it's existence...
If I were to resign as mod, which is something I think about doing all the time, something I would be releived to do(!) I am sure that the freeman doctrine would be favoured on the board, though it be the least liberating of them all.
So, I will stay as a mod for as long as I can stand it, and I will keep on defending a justifying my actions to those who would call me agent and troll, if that is what it takes.
But more importantly, I will keep on allowing contrary voices to be heard!!
Let the debate continue... let us find an intelligent, viable path to a free and equitable future for all.
Peace.
Love.
Unity.
Monday, 7 September 2009
Saturday, 5 September 2009
Where am I?
Lost! Dizzy with all the movement. Boggled by the amount of faith people have in me, while I'm so full of trepidation about the future.
Lets see if I can pull all these jumbled thoughts and feelings together into some kind of cohesive whole!
Last time I wrote about being in limbo... maybe I'm still there, to some extent. But a couple of things have changed since then. - My family (well, my sister and her family really, but we shared) has buggered off to Australia, leaving me childless (even though I always was). So, do I have to face the reality of my childlessness without the cushion of having my nieces around? Seems so. But that's OK... I can accept my situation and crack on with my life, as this whole oneful, discoveringkaren thing testifies.
But what does cracking on with my life mean now?
Here I come to the amount of faith other people seem to have in me. I've been asked several times over the course of months by several different people, to lead and run a 'heart and soul' group for Transition Towns Liverpool. And even though I have recently cut my ties (officially at least) to TTL, certain members are still asking me to lead the heart and soul group. To me the persistence of these requests suggests the universe is trying to tell me something and it's time I paid attention! So, I will accept the challenge and lead a heart and soul group, even though I have no clue what that will entail... I'll wing it, and follow my intuition, and hope the the jitters I'm feeling go away!!
Everywhere I go, whether on the internet or in the 3D world, whenever I start talking politics, spirituality, and about the creative role we all play in shaping the world around us, people listen! I must admit that when I wax lyrical about what a wonderful, incredible journey this can be once we realise our creative power, once we abandon our ego roles and learn to simply BE, I am at my best! I love the energy that runs through me at those times. I feel vital and free and in tune with life itself. I guess that's what people respond to.
But I wonder if it will lead to anything? Or even if it should? - Maybe things are exactly right as they are! Maybe those people who seem to listen to what ever my topic of the day is will take some of that energy for themselves, or use it to tap into their own light energy! That, all by itself, is a fantastic thought!!
and so, i can be satisfied in this moment that the energy I have, and the use I put it to, is enough. :o)
Since before my family went away I have been so moved and touched by the massive outpouring of love and support from some really unexpected places! You have no idea how much that has meant to me and how much it has restored my faith in other people! - I thought I was on my own, as I have always been (or felt!) at the most difficult times in my life. I am so heartened and happy to finally see that that is not the case! I have people around me, near and far, that have shown me something I've never seen before (though it may have been there all along). There is only one word that comes to mind when I try to describe the feeling that that gives me and that is, 'solid'! The love and support I've been given is solid.
Maybe this was the next lesson I needed to learn in life? That I am not on my own... that even the kindness of strangers is testament to the gift we are to each other, if we choose to accept it!!
And NOW I feel I can get on with my day.
Thank you! x x x
P.S. sorry if this rambles a bit but rambling is good... when we ramble, we discover new places! ;o)
Lets see if I can pull all these jumbled thoughts and feelings together into some kind of cohesive whole!
Last time I wrote about being in limbo... maybe I'm still there, to some extent. But a couple of things have changed since then. - My family (well, my sister and her family really, but we shared) has buggered off to Australia, leaving me childless (even though I always was). So, do I have to face the reality of my childlessness without the cushion of having my nieces around? Seems so. But that's OK... I can accept my situation and crack on with my life, as this whole oneful, discoveringkaren thing testifies.
But what does cracking on with my life mean now?
Here I come to the amount of faith other people seem to have in me. I've been asked several times over the course of months by several different people, to lead and run a 'heart and soul' group for Transition Towns Liverpool. And even though I have recently cut my ties (officially at least) to TTL, certain members are still asking me to lead the heart and soul group. To me the persistence of these requests suggests the universe is trying to tell me something and it's time I paid attention! So, I will accept the challenge and lead a heart and soul group, even though I have no clue what that will entail... I'll wing it, and follow my intuition, and hope the the jitters I'm feeling go away!!
Everywhere I go, whether on the internet or in the 3D world, whenever I start talking politics, spirituality, and about the creative role we all play in shaping the world around us, people listen! I must admit that when I wax lyrical about what a wonderful, incredible journey this can be once we realise our creative power, once we abandon our ego roles and learn to simply BE, I am at my best! I love the energy that runs through me at those times. I feel vital and free and in tune with life itself. I guess that's what people respond to.
But I wonder if it will lead to anything? Or even if it should? - Maybe things are exactly right as they are! Maybe those people who seem to listen to what ever my topic of the day is will take some of that energy for themselves, or use it to tap into their own light energy! That, all by itself, is a fantastic thought!!
and so, i can be satisfied in this moment that the energy I have, and the use I put it to, is enough. :o)
Since before my family went away I have been so moved and touched by the massive outpouring of love and support from some really unexpected places! You have no idea how much that has meant to me and how much it has restored my faith in other people! - I thought I was on my own, as I have always been (or felt!) at the most difficult times in my life. I am so heartened and happy to finally see that that is not the case! I have people around me, near and far, that have shown me something I've never seen before (though it may have been there all along). There is only one word that comes to mind when I try to describe the feeling that that gives me and that is, 'solid'! The love and support I've been given is solid.
Maybe this was the next lesson I needed to learn in life? That I am not on my own... that even the kindness of strangers is testament to the gift we are to each other, if we choose to accept it!!
And NOW I feel I can get on with my day.
Thank you! x x x
P.S. sorry if this rambles a bit but rambling is good... when we ramble, we discover new places! ;o)
Saturday, 15 August 2009
In limbo
I long for the next chapter of my life to begin, because waiting, unsure of what it holds, unsure of where I will go from here is like being in some freaky blank limbo.
But the first step into that future relies on me saying goodbye to my bests friends. I know that's coming very soon, and I'm not looking forward to it, not remotely. So I choose limbo until the choice is taken from me.
Tomorrow my baby brother gets hitched to Marie. A lovely woman with a lovely family. Her sister, Tess, has adopted me so I wont be sister-less when my own sister emigrates in a few days.
So, I gain two new sisters, but loose my best friend. I also gain two new nieces (Marie's girls) but loose my three babies.
Loose is the wrong word (actually it could literally be! - Is that the right way to write lose in the future tense??). I will still have them in my life, but they wont be here. No more sleep-overs with my nieces, no more Friday night family dinners. No more trips to Freshfileds.
But lots of skyping, lots of email, lots of snail-mail too.
Besides those things, I don't know what comes next for me. Except that alone probably features quite strongly. Alone I can handle. Lonely, on the other hand... maybe not quite so much.
So, I'm going to get as Zen as I can about the whole thing. Aloneness = presence of oneself; loneliness = absence of another. That's Zen, and that's going to be my focus.
I think I've written on these pages about that little girl sleeplessly watching the night sky... She knew about aloneness. Funny, I never realised how much that little girl helps me, the adult, until now. That kid rocks!!
I don't have much else to say.
I wait. I breathe.
But the first step into that future relies on me saying goodbye to my bests friends. I know that's coming very soon, and I'm not looking forward to it, not remotely. So I choose limbo until the choice is taken from me.
Tomorrow my baby brother gets hitched to Marie. A lovely woman with a lovely family. Her sister, Tess, has adopted me so I wont be sister-less when my own sister emigrates in a few days.
So, I gain two new sisters, but loose my best friend. I also gain two new nieces (Marie's girls) but loose my three babies.
Loose is the wrong word (actually it could literally be! - Is that the right way to write lose in the future tense??). I will still have them in my life, but they wont be here. No more sleep-overs with my nieces, no more Friday night family dinners. No more trips to Freshfileds.
But lots of skyping, lots of email, lots of snail-mail too.
Besides those things, I don't know what comes next for me. Except that alone probably features quite strongly. Alone I can handle. Lonely, on the other hand... maybe not quite so much.
So, I'm going to get as Zen as I can about the whole thing. Aloneness = presence of oneself; loneliness = absence of another. That's Zen, and that's going to be my focus.
I think I've written on these pages about that little girl sleeplessly watching the night sky... She knew about aloneness. Funny, I never realised how much that little girl helps me, the adult, until now. That kid rocks!!
I don't have much else to say.
I wait. I breathe.
Monday, 10 August 2009
Outed!
So, the second person ever that I showed this blog to went a posted a link to it on Macswin's Facebook Reference.
Can't say I was expecting that! And I can't say that I mind either (if I did I'd delete the link), but it does feel odd knowing that you, whoever you are, are reading snippets of my life.
Those snippets that make me most vulnerable too! But read away; I can take it! LoL
I wonder how these words might impact you? I guess that's your business, just as writing this is mine. I know that reading my words will not harm you. The rest is yours.
But as far being outed as a blogger goes, I will now do my best to keep these pages up-dated. - Not before time too! Thanks Dave... I think!!
I'll write more soon... about my newest discoveries and the twists and turns my life is currently taking.
From now till then, peace be the journey. ;o)
Can't say I was expecting that! And I can't say that I mind either (if I did I'd delete the link), but it does feel odd knowing that you, whoever you are, are reading snippets of my life.
Those snippets that make me most vulnerable too! But read away; I can take it! LoL
I wonder how these words might impact you? I guess that's your business, just as writing this is mine. I know that reading my words will not harm you. The rest is yours.
But as far being outed as a blogger goes, I will now do my best to keep these pages up-dated. - Not before time too! Thanks Dave... I think!!
I'll write more soon... about my newest discoveries and the twists and turns my life is currently taking.
From now till then, peace be the journey. ;o)
Saturday, 28 February 2009
The future is in our hands.
We will adapt you know.
These are transitional times, so the nature of our adaptation is crucial, but I believe that, as the powers that be reveal themselves and their true agenda, as the fruits of the systems of governance and control they established are tasted by all, so we will turn away from those modes of living and establish new, equitable ones.
The end of cheap energy and the depletion of natural resources, including fresh water and soil, will lead to a reduction in our numbers.
Smaller numbers will mean tighter communities and better communication/discussion rather than the mass communication we are subjected to now, we will actually be invoved in the sharing of information, the creation of reality. We will no longer blindly accept what we are told rather we will question and discuss the issues as hey present themselves.
The learning of past centuries will not be forgotten as long as we keep on communicating, keep blogging, keep meeting and talking and stay connected NOW.
It's up to us to report the truth of these times to future generations!
The old systems (current) will be over if we take our part now. If we observe and share what we observe in these times.
We may SEEM powerless, but we hold the future in our hands today. Lets ensure that generations to come do not live in servitude to the rich enslaved by debt and monetary economic systems which serve only the rich.
These are transitional times, so the nature of our adaptation is crucial, but I believe that, as the powers that be reveal themselves and their true agenda, as the fruits of the systems of governance and control they established are tasted by all, so we will turn away from those modes of living and establish new, equitable ones.
The end of cheap energy and the depletion of natural resources, including fresh water and soil, will lead to a reduction in our numbers.
Smaller numbers will mean tighter communities and better communication/discussion rather than the mass communication we are subjected to now, we will actually be invoved in the sharing of information, the creation of reality. We will no longer blindly accept what we are told rather we will question and discuss the issues as hey present themselves.
The learning of past centuries will not be forgotten as long as we keep on communicating, keep blogging, keep meeting and talking and stay connected NOW.
It's up to us to report the truth of these times to future generations!
The old systems (current) will be over if we take our part now. If we observe and share what we observe in these times.
We may SEEM powerless, but we hold the future in our hands today. Lets ensure that generations to come do not live in servitude to the rich enslaved by debt and monetary economic systems which serve only the rich.
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