Thursday, 15 October 2009
I find I'm constantly in the position of having to defend my actions or lack of action, constantly being told what I should or should not be doing... Half the time I am surrounded by paranoid, ranting fools who accuse me of being some kind of agent (I can only presume, or the STATE).
It is thankless and time consuming, and time is a precious commodity right now.
But then, there are some truly intelligent, enlightened, insightful souls there, who lend a different tone to the place. They make my presence there worthwhile, useful, engaging, purposeful! It is a pleasure and an honour to know these people!
There are also those who come genuinely seeking answers, seeking a way forward, a way to create a better world. I think I love these people the best, because of their honesty, their genuine concerns and desire for something better. - I'm not talking about those who already think they have the answer(s), but those who PM me, trouble by questions they'd be embarrassed to publicise, those who are seeking a way forward, but are concerned about the way esposused by the 'believers'in the freeman doctrine. I want those people to have access to the different perspectives and opinions that abound.
I don't want them to only be fed the freeman doctrine, only to find themselves in a sea of troubles, not getting their questions answered, not getting their concerns addressed in any real way... Giving up their legal person, only to find what a useful tool it can be, once we know of it's existence...
If I were to resign as mod, which is something I think about doing all the time, something I would be releived to do(!) I am sure that the freeman doctrine would be favoured on the board, though it be the least liberating of them all.
So, I will stay as a mod for as long as I can stand it, and I will keep on defending a justifying my actions to those who would call me agent and troll, if that is what it takes.
But more importantly, I will keep on allowing contrary voices to be heard!!
Let the debate continue... let us find an intelligent, viable path to a free and equitable future for all.
Saturday, 5 September 2009
Lets see if I can pull all these jumbled thoughts and feelings together into some kind of cohesive whole!
Last time I wrote about being in limbo... maybe I'm still there, to some extent. But a couple of things have changed since then. - My family (well, my sister and her family really, but we shared) has buggered off to Australia, leaving me childless (even though I always was). So, do I have to face the reality of my childlessness without the cushion of having my nieces around? Seems so. But that's OK... I can accept my situation and crack on with my life, as this whole oneful, discoveringkaren thing testifies.
But what does cracking on with my life mean now?
Here I come to the amount of faith other people seem to have in me. I've been asked several times over the course of months by several different people, to lead and run a 'heart and soul' group for Transition Towns Liverpool. And even though I have recently cut my ties (officially at least) to TTL, certain members are still asking me to lead the heart and soul group. To me the persistence of these requests suggests the universe is trying to tell me something and it's time I paid attention! So, I will accept the challenge and lead a heart and soul group, even though I have no clue what that will entail... I'll wing it, and follow my intuition, and hope the the jitters I'm feeling go away!!
Everywhere I go, whether on the internet or in the 3D world, whenever I start talking politics, spirituality, and about the creative role we all play in shaping the world around us, people listen! I must admit that when I wax lyrical about what a wonderful, incredible journey this can be once we realise our creative power, once we abandon our ego roles and learn to simply BE, I am at my best! I love the energy that runs through me at those times. I feel vital and free and in tune with life itself. I guess that's what people respond to.
But I wonder if it will lead to anything? Or even if it should? - Maybe things are exactly right as they are! Maybe those people who seem to listen to what ever my topic of the day is will take some of that energy for themselves, or use it to tap into their own light energy! That, all by itself, is a fantastic thought!!
and so, i can be satisfied in this moment that the energy I have, and the use I put it to, is enough. :o)
Since before my family went away I have been so moved and touched by the massive outpouring of love and support from some really unexpected places! You have no idea how much that has meant to me and how much it has restored my faith in other people! - I thought I was on my own, as I have always been (or felt!) at the most difficult times in my life. I am so heartened and happy to finally see that that is not the case! I have people around me, near and far, that have shown me something I've never seen before (though it may have been there all along). There is only one word that comes to mind when I try to describe the feeling that that gives me and that is, 'solid'! The love and support I've been given is solid.
Maybe this was the next lesson I needed to learn in life? That I am not on my own... that even the kindness of strangers is testament to the gift we are to each other, if we choose to accept it!!
And NOW I feel I can get on with my day.
Thank you! x x x
P.S. sorry if this rambles a bit but rambling is good... when we ramble, we discover new places! ;o)
Saturday, 15 August 2009
But the first step into that future relies on me saying goodbye to my bests friends. I know that's coming very soon, and I'm not looking forward to it, not remotely. So I choose limbo until the choice is taken from me.
Tomorrow my baby brother gets hitched to Marie. A lovely woman with a lovely family. Her sister, Tess, has adopted me so I wont be sister-less when my own sister emigrates in a few days.
So, I gain two new sisters, but loose my best friend. I also gain two new nieces (Marie's girls) but loose my three babies.
Loose is the wrong word (actually it could literally be! - Is that the right way to write lose in the future tense??). I will still have them in my life, but they wont be here. No more sleep-overs with my nieces, no more Friday night family dinners. No more trips to Freshfileds.
But lots of skyping, lots of email, lots of snail-mail too.
Besides those things, I don't know what comes next for me. Except that alone probably features quite strongly. Alone I can handle. Lonely, on the other hand... maybe not quite so much.
So, I'm going to get as Zen as I can about the whole thing. Aloneness = presence of oneself; loneliness = absence of another. That's Zen, and that's going to be my focus.
I think I've written on these pages about that little girl sleeplessly watching the night sky... She knew about aloneness. Funny, I never realised how much that little girl helps me, the adult, until now. That kid rocks!!
I don't have much else to say.
I wait. I breathe.
Monday, 10 August 2009
Can't say I was expecting that! And I can't say that I mind either (if I did I'd delete the link), but it does feel odd knowing that you, whoever you are, are reading snippets of my life.
Those snippets that make me most vulnerable too! But read away; I can take it! LoL
I wonder how these words might impact you? I guess that's your business, just as writing this is mine. I know that reading my words will not harm you. The rest is yours.
But as far being outed as a blogger goes, I will now do my best to keep these pages up-dated. - Not before time too! Thanks Dave... I think!!
I'll write more soon... about my newest discoveries and the twists and turns my life is currently taking.
From now till then, peace be the journey. ;o)
Saturday, 28 February 2009
These are transitional times, so the nature of our adaptation is crucial, but I believe that, as the powers that be reveal themselves and their true agenda, as the fruits of the systems of governance and control they established are tasted by all, so we will turn away from those modes of living and establish new, equitable ones.
The end of cheap energy and the depletion of natural resources, including fresh water and soil, will lead to a reduction in our numbers.
Smaller numbers will mean tighter communities and better communication/discussion rather than the mass communication we are subjected to now, we will actually be invoved in the sharing of information, the creation of reality. We will no longer blindly accept what we are told rather we will question and discuss the issues as hey present themselves.
The learning of past centuries will not be forgotten as long as we keep on communicating, keep blogging, keep meeting and talking and stay connected NOW.
It's up to us to report the truth of these times to future generations!
The old systems (current) will be over if we take our part now. If we observe and share what we observe in these times.
We may SEEM powerless, but we hold the future in our hands today. Lets ensure that generations to come do not live in servitude to the rich enslaved by debt and monetary economic systems which serve only the rich.
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
I ought to precede that tale by letting you know that since my last blog entry here my dreams have been fine and I'm feeling much better, stronger, less vulnerable... But more on that another time!
Now, to UFO's!
It was November 5th last year, that's bonfire night here in the UK, for any that don't know. - The night we celebrate the burning to death of one Guy Fawkes and bun him in effigy year after year. - The reasons that we celebrate this barbarism have been lost in history! I hope he found a way to rest in peace though!!*v*
All of that said, bonfire night is one of my favourite times of the year! - Bonfires and fireworks are so much fun!
So, myself an my family went to the fireworks display at the local park - I'm lucky enough to live on the doorstep of a park that now hosts one of Liverpool's big, official, displays. My sister, brother and their families all came down and off we went to the park about half an hour before the display was de to begin.
We noticed how unusually orange the sky was looking, even for bonfire night. I've never seen such an orange sky! My brother-in-law and myself were transfixed...well, we all were really, except for my brother, who makes it a rule to remain unimpressed in life. ;o)
So, there we were, looking up at the sky and away from the direction the firework display would be coming from, when we noticed a round, pale red light in the sky, moving toward us from the left. It stopped dead and sat perfectly still in the sky probably a minute and a half or two minutes. Then, it moved away from us so fast that in a second it vanished from sight entirely.
And that's it. The one and only time I've seen a UFO. - I look forward to future encounters, but I hope they're more dramatic! lol
Friday, 13 February 2009
It took me almost forty years on this planet to gain any sense of security in my relationships with others. After forty years the bad dreams finally stopped.
When I was very young and given the nick name 'the fozzie' to go along with 'ugly' ad 'stupid' I was told by my granddad that I was the fozzie because my 'real' parents didn't want me so they left me out with the rubbish by the bins where my 'new' mum and dad found me. They took me in because they felt sorry for me.
Sometime later a week, a month, the same day? I can't remember – my uncle Alan began to sexually abuse me. Like all abusers, he gave me the responsibility for keeping his secret, and so made me responsible for my own abuse. He told me that if I was to tell anyone about this new game we were playing that no-one would love me any more; my mum and dad, nan and granddad, aunties, sister and brother would all stop loving me and that my mum and dad would send for the 'men in white coats' to come and take me away.
I came down (was sent down) the stairs from that episode as traumatized as you might imagine and was greeted my my dad and the words “Alright fozz”.
From that moment I knew that I was truly 'the fozzie' and I lived my life accordingly, first trying to gain the approval of my family, and later, after my dad left, turning my back on them as much as I dared. I earned the hatred of my brother and sister in those later years.
The sexual abuse continued until after my dad left, as did the name calling. But even after it was over on the outside, I knew just what I was. And I put myself into plenty of situations to prove it time and time and time again.
By the time I was in my late 30's I'd got to a point where I had stopped all forms of self abuse, including drinking and smoking. My journey on this planet was/is a spiritual one, and through years of prayer and mediation, writing it down and figuring it out, I came to a point where all the pain and uncertainty, and all the traumas of my past could be let go. The process of actually letting go of all of that baggage too a couple of years in itself, but soon enough I came to a point where I could actually understand and forgive those people who had caused me so much harm.
Believe me when I tell you that the joy that a soul feels at such times outweighs the pain that leads it there one-hundredfold! (I speak from memory, sadly, not from current experience.)
And during those two short years, I now realize, all those bad dreams which had plagued me all my life stopped. I didn't have one dream about my mother hating me, not one dream about my brother blaming me or my sister pointing out my many faults. I never once woke up feeling scared of life. Not once!
Those dreams are back now though. Now, at the age of forty-one, I wake up scared and insecure... just like I aways did.
My dad, after he read a short blog about my forgiving him, though the blog didn't say what I forgave him for (some things I held to be private) decided to cut me out of is life without a word. When I eventually fond out why he'd stopped talking to me I tried to reach out and fix things between us. I think though that he expected me to alter my truth somehow, to remove the implication that he was less than perfect from my narrative.
When that didn't happen he , for the second time, cut me out of his life - without a word, but in no uncertain terms; Not one week after telling me that anger could never get in the way of love, he sent back a letter I'd spent weeks on. Just like that. Not a word of why.
And so what I had hoped would be an honest and open exchange, and an opportunity for learning and growth for both of us, came to an end, along with or relationship.
And now here I am again, waking up from bad drams in which my mother hates me, my brother blames and my sister faults me, starting each day with a personal battle for confidence and security. You see, if my dad can turn his back on me, twice, without a word then anyone can.
Worse than that though, they can (and in my subconscious, do) blame me for my fathers actions.
It was something that I did as a child that cause my 'real' parents to abandon me, and made me such a burden to my 'new' family. It was me who did those terrible things that would cause my family not to love me if they only knew. It was me who made life for my whole family so difficult that my siblings had to protect my mother from me.
And so it must be me who has caused such injury to my dad that he can't bring himself to speak to me.
Of course I know that that is wrong! I know that my fathers actions are a reflection of his own inability to face certain truths, and I understand that.
It's up to him to deal with that if he can. I take no further part in any of it. His journey, his problem.
I have my own to attend to.
I'm not sure how I will get back to that place of healing again, but I found it once, I will find it again. - It's telling that throughout much of my adult life, whenever I've found things especially difficult or especially beautiful, I've found myself writing... like now.
I'm not happy right now. I wonder if this is the whole journey – from insecurity, to insecurity. I wonder if the solution lies in being alone. I wonder if the dreams will ever stop for good. I hate waking up scared and inscure every day.
I'm frightened. - It's been a hard journey this far. Will it always bet his hard? Will I have to do all of it alone?